Husband and I gave each other ‘bun’

Dear Pastor,

I just turned 40, and I have been married for 10 years. I was faithful to my husband for about six years, but then I was forced to cheat because he cheated on me first.

He allowed his girlfriend to disrespect me. She called me and cursed me, and my husband did nothing. I found out that he was cheating when I saw on his phone what she said. She said she enjoyed the time they had together and she would never leave him.

He admitted that he had an affair, but he did not tell me that he would never leave her. I also found out that he was paying this girl's rent, and that he got her pregnant and she had an abortion. I told him that he should call her in my presence and tell her that he is finished with her. He didn't. The amount of money he used to give me every month lessened, and I knew that it was because he had to take care of her rent and other things.

I SPENT THE NIGHT

I called the landlord and asked him how much rent the girl pays. I told him that it was my husband who was paying the rent. He said he didn't know that he was married. He said the rent was $35, 000. I begged him not to let my husband know that I called. That very week, my husband's car broke down and it was going to cost him $50,000 for parts and labour. He asked me if I had any money and I told him to ask his girlfriend. He did not give me any money for that month. I called the landlord to find out if the girl paid her rent and he said yes. So for one week straight I didn't cook any dinner. My husband threatened me, saying that if I didn't cook he was going to leave me. I told him that would be alright.

There was a man who was always telling me how I was looking sexy. I liked him, so I called him and we started to communicate. He lived alone but his wife was living in America. So I went over to see him and I spent the night. This man said I made him feel young again. He gave me $45,000. I only did it to punish my husband. I noticed my husband did not go out on the following weekend, but I got dressed that Saturday night and went back to the man's house. I wore the very lingerie my husband bought for me.

I went back home late in the night, and my husband grabbed me and said he was going to beat me. But I was prepared for him. When he saw that I was fighting back, he let me go. I started to pack my things and called one of my brothers. I told him that I was about to kill my husband, so he came over and spoke to the both of us. My husband is still with this young girl, and I am still with the other man. My brother gave me his daughter's room. I am not going back to my husband.

I have a US visa and I am hoping to go up there and see what life is all about there. From there, I plan to divorce him. I know you will not agree with what I am doing, but my husband has lost respect for me. I never thought I would have given my husband 'bun'.

Would you advise me to go back to my husband, pastor?

F.R.

Dear F.R.,

My conscience will not allow me to encourage you to go back and live with your husband. Even if your husband would take you back, he would not trust you again.

Something must have gone radically wrong in your marriage that caused him to be with another woman, paying her rent, and giving her the money that should be given to you to run the house. How could a man expect to get food when he is not making any provision? This woman took your husband away from you; but really and truly, she could not have done so if he did not consent to leave. He made up his mind to leave and the girl needed the help, so she took him over.

You see yourself as bad. If that is the way you see yourself, who am I to say that you are not? You really decided to punish your husband, because you wore the lingerie that he bought to this other man's house. Bad girl indeed! You did not think that both of you could have called a counsellor and arranged to see him or her. You decided to mash things up, so to speak. Don't destroy this man's relationship. His wife is abroad and she is not going to be there forever, and you know that. So I suggest that you talk to a lawyer about the future of the relationship with your husband.

Pastor