My mother has slept with many men

Dear Pastor,

I am a regular reader of your column, and I am addicted to your talk show. When I was attending college, my roommate and I would listen to your programme while we tried to study. Sometimes we had to turn off the radio and remind ourselves that we had to attend class the next day.

I had a tumultuous upbringing. My mother had four of us, but I am the only girl. Sometimes I slept with my mother, but most times I had to sleep with my brothers because my mother was always having different men come to the house and sleep with her. I never knew my father, but every man who came to the house and only spent a few months with my mother, I had to call each of them uncle. That is how she introduced these men to me. I have the most uncles in Jamaica. Even now that I have grown up, I run into some of these men and I call them uncle. Some of them laugh and hug me.

I saw one on Barnett Street in Montego Bay some months ago, and I said: "Hi uncle," and he looked at me and smiled and said: "I don't remember you". Then he said: "Oh, you are my brother's daughter," and he called his brother's name. I told him I was so and so daughter and I went my merry way.

My mother has not been able to tell me who is my father. I am carrying her last name. I have a boyfriend and when we became friends, he asked me the name of my father, and I made up a name and told him. He asked me when I was going to introduce him to my father, and I lied again and told him that my father was dead. He said he was sorry to know that my father would not know his grandchildren.

I did not want to tell this man the truth. I did not want him to know everything about my background. The important thing is that I love him and he loves me. I have never missed my father because I never knew him.

One of my mother's brothers is living in Canada, and he treats me like his daughter. He calls and checks up on me, but I have never discussed anything with him about not knowing my father. He was the one who helped me through college.

Do you think I did the right thing by lying to my boyfriend about my father? Thank you for reading this letter.

M.R.

Dear M.R.,

I believe you made a mistake. When your boyfriend asked you about your father, you should have told him that you do not know him or his whereabouts, and that your mother does not know his whereabouts either, and you are carrying your mother's surname.

Now, if your boyfriend had tried to pressure you after giving him that answer, you could say that's all the information you can give. But you lied and now it has rested on your conscience that you were not true to this man. However, it is not too late to correct that situation. One of these days when you feel comfortable and you believe that you know your boyfriend very well, you can raise the matter with him. You can tell him that you are embarrassed about your background and you don't know your father.

You don't have to tell him that your mother had lots of men and that she slept with one who impregnated her, and that man moved on and wasn't aware that he got her pregnant. I believe that your boyfriend would understand, and he wouldn't hold that against you.

Concerning your mother and the life she lived, I hope that by now she has come to herself and has changed her lifestyle. Do not condemn her. Try to encourage her to live a better life. She has wasted her precious life by having relationships with many men who have used her.

Pastor