I had a child for a married man

Dear Pastor,

I have always read your column, and admired the brilliant advice you give. I have a problem. I am 22. I met a guy some years ago and we fell in love. He is 40. We have been dating for two years, but I have known him for three years.

We met when I was in grade 13 of high school. He is a businessman. He is very fancy. He is loving. I lost my virginity to him when I turned 21. We wanted to get married, but I wanted to finish college first. He has two children.

JUSTFRIENDS

He broke up with their mother because of financial issues. He will never go back to her. They are friends because of the children they share. I believed him and trusted him, but after a while, I didn't trust him around her anymore.

Whenever we have an argument, he leaves the country or tells me I should go to my other boyfriend. I don't cheat. I don't agree with some things he says to me most of the time.

Sometimes he travels on business without telling me. He claims he doesn't want me to worry about him. We still planned on getting married. One day he invited me to meet up with him. I went but told him that I didn't want to have sex anymore because it was wrong. I wanted to wait until marriage.

He didn't listen. He forced himself inside me from start to finish without a condom. He thought I was refusing him because I had found someone else. That was not true. I only love him. I got so scared and upset. I rushed home and cried. I got pregnant.

Pastor, I was so scared and confused. It's just my first year in college. I am very popular in my church and my parents invested a lot of money in me. I cried day and night. I cursed him. I prayed for God's forgiveness every day. I thought that this man did this to me to ruin my life and reputation. I told him I wanted an abortion. I also told him I didn't want to see him again.

WEIGHTLOSS

He asked me to come and live with him. I said no. He asked me to marry him. I said no. I finished my first year of college and I showed no sign of pregnancy. I hardly ate because I threw up a lot. I lost a lot of weight.

I received an award in college for having a GPA of 3.0. I waited six months before telling everyone I was pregnant. They all cried - my friends, family, and church members. They supported me all the way through. I never thought they would. That's why I kept it to myself for so long. I gave birth to a boy in September. I am back in school. My parents take care of him.

My babyfather wanted to take the child away from me, but my family didn't want that. Since then, he has been showing me a bad attitude. He hardly sends money, and up to this day, he has never been near my child.

He told me yesterday that the other babymother proposed to him.

PUSHEDAWAY

He said that he accepted the proposal because I pushed him away. They got married when I was three months pregnant. I didn't know all of that. He had been lying to me. He continued to have sex with me while I was pregnant and after I gave birth. He said he did it because still loved me. He enjoys sex with me, too. If he loved me, he would have waited on me.

Pastor, my heart is heavy and my body keeps shivering. My hands are shaking. I have only eaten once today. I did an exam at school today.

How will I tell my family about his marriage? Will my son hate me for pushing his father away and causing our family to split up? Or will he hate his father? I am already the talk of the town. They call me 'Virgin-Mary'. What will they say now? I have a child for a married man. I don't know what to do. I want him to tell his wife about me and my son, but he is afraid to do so. Pastor, please, I crave your advice.

Thanks in advance.

Confused.

Dear Confused,

This man is a liar and a great pretender. When he said that he wanted to marry you, he was not serious. He wanted to have you as his lover, and at the same time, continue the relationship with his children's mother.

He never really left her. He knew you loved him but did not want to walk away from his children's mother. Therefore, he kept lying, and you were too naive. You believed just about everything he said to you. You made some mistakes, but you can be forgiven.

Though you said to him no more sex, you continued to have sex with him during and after pregnancy. He has a doggish behaviour. I am glad your parents are assisting you with the young child. Trust in the good Lord. Wish this man and his wife well. Go back to church and rededicate your life to God. God will meet your needs.

Pastor