My wife brought home ‘Joe’

Dear Pastor,

I have been married for 10 years. My wife was having a problem getting pregnant. She went to many doctors before she finally gave up. We decided that we did not want to adopt. 

I wanted to feel that I am a real man, and to adopt a child would not make me feel that way. Anyway, my siblings have children, so I supported them. Some of them took me as their father. I gave them money to buy books and clothes, etc. My wife felt jealous when my siblings came around with their children. I have never made that a bother to me at all. My wife was concerned because some people in the district called her barren. Some people even cursed her and called her a mule. I have always had to be comforting her.

Now she is over 40 years old and she has given up on having children. But my reason for writing to you is because something has come to light that disturbs me. I went abroad two years ago on business. My wife did not accompany me, although I suggested that she take the trip. She could have got the time from work, even for a week. She said she wanted to go to Europe, so I should save the money that I would use for her to accompany me and use that for her trip to Europe. So that was settled between us.

Recently, I found out that while I was away, another man was in my bed. One of my brothers heard the rumour and told me. He said he was in a bar having drinks with his friends when a man, who does not know him, called my name and said how he had sex with my wife for three nights straight. 

He said he did not have to use protection because she was hoping that he would have got her pregnant. My brother said he never said a word, but one of the guys asked the man if he was really talking the truth and he said yes. My brother said this man described my wife and was able to say where she works. My brother begged me not to tell her what he heard.

This man has a nickname. I could not keep what my brother told me for long, so one evening I asked my wife if she knew a man by the name of so and so, and she asked me why I was asking. I told her that I heard something, so I just wanted to know if she knew that individual. She took a long time to admit that she knew the man. I remember that I promised my brother that I wouldn’t say anything, but I had to say something. I asked her if this man came to the house or if they went out while I was away. She said that they attended an event, and he took her home afterwards.

Since she admitted that she and the man were together, I see my wife in a different light. I asked her if anything happened between them and she said no, but I don’t believe her. I can’t believe her. Since I have heard about this man, it is like I don’t care anymore. I have had sex with four girls and they are all in their 20s. I have had unprotected sex with two of them. I know that I have been stupid because these girls nowadays are not just keeping one man and I do not want to catch any disease from any of them. But I don’t see myself continuing the relationship that I am having with my wife, so I am asking you for your fatherly advice.

B

Dear B,

When some men are together and drinking their rum, they say all types of things. 

Many of them cannot keep their mouths shut. Some of the things they say about women are very disgraceful; some are true and some are not. Do you really and truly believe that your wife was unfaithful to you during that short period of time when you were abroad? Do you believe that if she went with this other man that she was hoping that he would have been able to impregnate her?

Evidently your brother believed that your wife was unfaithful to you. Honestly, I am sorry to hear what you are going through right now and I hope that you will be able to forgive your wife for what she has done. I am not saying that it would be easy, but what you are doing by having sex with other women is just as bad as what your wife has purportedly done.

Whether you believe or not, please make an appointment for your wife and yourself to meet with a family counsellor.

Pastor