Father’s wife doesn’t like me

Dear Pastor,

I am a 17-year-old girl. I was born in America but I am living in Jamaica with my mother. My father lives in America. My mother met him there.

I went to school in Jamaica. My father wants me to return to America to attend college there but my mother does not want me to go. My father is married to an American woman. She knows about me but she told my father that I was not welcome at her house because I am not her child. My mother says that my father has always been weak and he cannot make decisions on his own, because, if he wanted me, his wife would not stop him. I have one brother living with them. He is only 10 years old. This man got my mother pregnant and left her. My mother hates him but she does not hate my father. When my father calls her, they behave as if they are lovers on the phone. I always know when my father's wife is not around.

I asked my mother if she would marry my father and she said yes, but his wife would have to die first. I do not have a boyfriend. I have many friends but I don't have an intimate boyfriend. I am still a virgin. I can attend university in Jamaica, but my father said that the benefits are greater in America, and I was born there, so it would be easier for me to get a scholarship as an American.

My mother has two sisters who are living in America. One of them is willing to help me. She says I can come and stay at her house but I will have to work part-time to support myself. I don't think my mother wants me to leave yet. My father says that I should give him some more time because, if his wife does not change, he will divorce her. I do not want him to break up his marriage because of me.

C.F.

Dear C.F.,

You are old enough to decide what you would like to do. Very soon, you will be 18 and you will make your own decisions as an adult. Your mother is very reluctant to allow you to go to America. She does not want anybody to take advantage of you. She probably feels that your father is too easy-going and that his wife might be controlling him. I believe she is wrong. Your father will not allow his wife to ill-treat you, but your father cannot bully his wife to take you in the house they share as husband and wife. It would be better for your mother to allow you to live with one of your aunts who is willing to give you shelter.

You are an American and your relatives there, including your father, will teach you how to live and enjoy the benefits in America. Perhaps you should consider attending a community college and get yourself an associate degree and move on from there. As an American, you will be able to work part-time. Therefore, I say to you, don't be discouraged. Plan your future intelligently and talk to your father as often as possible. Don't encourage him to leave his wife; you can make great progress in America without his wife. She is a selfish woman but she is your father's wife, so respect her.

You say that your mother still loves him. Don't get involved in their business. Time will tell what they will do.

Pastor