Depression driving me to the edge

Dear Pastor,

I have been living abroad for many years, trying to receive healing from traumatic experiences, having been sexually assaulted on multiple occasions by various men. I was robbed many times while I was working with businesses that were run by families. I move back to Jamaica can have been trying to sort out myself. However, my mother had already cut me off. She did not want to see her children prosper. I moved from place to place, as I did not have any permanent residence. At one time I did not even have a passport, so I could not get a visa. However, a lawyer assisted me.

Some people encourage me to get a man who can support me and give me what I want. I told myself that I was an independent woman and I wanted to support myself. I was living with some relatives and they were trying to control me. I kept reminding them that I am an adult and I can make decisions for myself. I didn't want them to lecture me. One of them said that she hope I was not like my mother.

My mother used to hang out with men. They keep mentioning that all the time. I tried dating, but that did not work out. I was afraid that I would catch an STI. I never enjoyed having sex. The last time I had sex, a few weeks later I discovered that I caught an STI. I had to have it treated. Since that time, whenever I have sex I become paranoid. I do have regular check-ups. I am repulsive to sex.

One of the guys I was dating, I told him to go and get a check-up, but he never did. People think I am weird because I am not having sex. Some men have tried to use their money to impress me and to get me to sleep with them.

The relatives whose home I am staying always accusing me of stealing if they can't find something they have put down. I feel stressed and don't know what to do. I am tired of being used, even by my relatives. One relative, who is living abroad, wants me to come back and work with her, but I am not interested.

I have started an online business. It is a struggle. I have had to be pinching my money to pay bills and to save a little. I had a customer online, but he did not have a credit card, and he would not divulge much to me; so I have not got far in this business.

I have had suicidal thoughts and I don't want to entertain these thoughts; I am trying to stay strong, and to move to another country. But even to go to another country will cost money. I do hope I will get good advice from you. I keep praying for a miracle.

T.

Dear T.,

I could sense your frustration. You did not give your age, but I feel that you are in your 20s. What I would suggest that you do is to seek employment outside of your family realm. You have not stated what type of qualifications you have, but I would suggest that you seriously consider the HEART/NSTA Trust. Regardless of your age and your background, the HEART/NSTA Trust will be willing to train you to fit into the type of work that you would like to do. You know by now that there are men who would just use you, and from what you have said, you are determined not to be used any more.

It is unfortunate that your relatives have not tried to be of great help to you. I could imagine how depressing it is to be told constantly how your mother was promiscuous. It does not help that you are made to feel that you are not welcomed at your relative's home.

You need to get your mental health taken care off. Additionally, you need a job. It might not be what you really like, but at least you would be heading in the right direction. There are some people who have been trying the online businesses, but not all have been very successful. So while I would not want to discourage you from doing business online, you know from your experience that you are going to need lots of help to do well in it. Pray a lot about your problems, but please contact the HEART/NSTA Trust as soon as you can.

Pastor