Husband keeps bringing up my sexual past

Dear Pastor,

I am a 25-year-old married woman. My husband is 35. We got married two years ago.

When we started dating, he questioned me a lot and I told him everything about myself, including how many men I had in my life. I even told him that one of my cousins had sex with me and I never told anybody because I was ashamed. I trusted this man so much. I told him that I started to have sex when I was 17.

The first time when we had a disagreement, he cursed me and called me a whore. I cried for days because I never considered myself a whore, and I told him so. He said only a whore would do all the things that I told him. I stopped talking to him. He kept calling me and I blocked his number.

I was living with my aunt. He came to my workplace and asked me to forgive him. He told me he can't live without me. I told him he would get me fired, so he should not come back. I gave him my address and I told my aunt about him, but I did not tell her much. He showed up well dressed and when my aunt saw him, she was impressed. We went out that weekend. He wanted us to have sex and I reminded him that I was a whore, and I started to cry. Anyway, we made up.

One day he asked me if he could spend the night with me and I told him that out of respect for my aunt, I would have to tell her. She said it was up to me, so I told him yes. We went out that Friday night, so he stayed over and left the Saturday morning. He came back the Saturday evening and stayed with me again.

I went to his place the following week and he proposed. I was going through some video clips that he had in a box and I saw one with him and a girl having sex. I was very shocked. I asked him why he had to record that. He said he did not see anything wrong with that, but he didn't mean for me to see it. I did not feel comfortable having sex with him any more. I asked him if he had ever recorded both of us making love and he said no. He also said that even if he had done that, he wouldn't let anybody see it.

One day while we were in bed, he said that he could really see that I know how to do my stuff because when it comes to sex, I could be very aggressive. I now know that he was trying to say that I was behaving as a whore. I got pregnant and my aunt suggested that we should get married before the child was born. So we did.

Recently, this man called me a whore again and I don't like it. I needed some money from him; he said only whores demand money from men. My husband doesn't have any respect for me. He even describes my private parts as big. He is not the type of man I should have married. Please advise me on what to do.

B.M.

Dear B.M.,

Your letter has caused me to remind women that they should not tell men everything about their sexual past.

I know that there are many people who have disagreed with me. A man does not have to know how many men a woman has had in her life, and how many times she has had sex with these men. I know women feel that they should be honest about their past, but good men ought not to question women and ask them these personal questions.

Unfortunately, the women answer because they feel like they should. When a man asks a girl whether she has a boyfriend, she should say yes, or just say she had boyfriends before she met you. She might want to add that he has had girlfriends. You gave too much information to him, and now he sees you as a very bad woman. You should have never gone back to him after breaking up with him. You should not have allowed him to get you pregnant, and you should not have married him.

You are very unhappy with this man. Therefore, I suggest that you tell him that you would like the both of you to make an appointment to see a family counsellor. Tell the counsellor everything. You know if this man continues to verbally abuse you, this marriage will not last, and your husband needs to know that.

Pastor