My wife hates having sex

Dear Pastor,

I am having a problem. I am 36 and I am a Christian. I became a Christian because I was tired of running around. Everybody in my family encouraged me to settle down. My mother said she would like to meet my wife and get to know her grandchildren before she passes on.

I fell in love with a girl in the church I started to attend. We started to date. She told me that she would not have sex with me until we were married. She told me that she had sex a few times, but she did not like sex. I asked her why and she said she always believed that sex is nasty; and the few times she had sex, she had to force herself.

The first time she had sex, she threatened to report the guy to the police because it was as if he raped her. When he was finished, he pulled off the condom and emptied it on her belly. She did not have anything else to do with him because he was very cruel. He called her immature and foolish. She met another guy who was much older, and he treated her well. They were together for six months, but he never trusted her. On his birthday, she went to spend time with him and they had sex, but she did not enjoy it. I told her that would change after we are married.

This girl is very attractive. Before we got married, we had counselling and I mentioned what she said about sex. The counsellor told her that sex is not nasty and that God would not sanction anything between married people as nasty. On our wedding night, I did not force her to have sex. The hotel room had two beds; I slept on one and her on the other. But during the day after lunch, I told her that I would love to have sex with her. She said I should wait until it was dark, because she did not want me to see her in her nude. I could not wait, so I decided to strip her naked. She was upset about that. I spent lots of time on foreplay to get her in the mood, but it was like I was wasting my time. She was laying motionless. I felt that it would have been better if I had masturbated.

We are still having problems. She refuses to relax, and she is still telling me that she does not enjoy sex. I am tired of hearing that from her. I told her recently that if she does not cooperate, we should get a divorce. I asked her if having sex with me is painful and she said no, but she does not believe that we must have sex. I asked my wife whether she was raped by someone in her family and she said no. Pastor, what should I do? I stopped running around and I got married, but the mistake I probably made is to marry this woman after she told me that she did not like sex. Would I be committing a sin if I divorce her?

K.B.

Dear K.B.,

You must be very disappointed. You thought that by getting married, your sexual desires would have been fulfilled.

It is indeed unfortunate that the woman you chose to marry insists that she does not enjoy sex, and is talking nonsense about whether both of you could do without sex. She is crazy. The Bible says it is a man's responsibility to satisfy his wife, and it is the wife's responsibility to satisfy her husband. Having said that, let me say that if a woman was sexually abused, it could affect her love life. Rape could have a lasting effect on a woman, but your wife was not raped.

Her first lover was upset with her because of her behaviour, but he did not rape her. He emptied the condom on her stomach and cursed her; he should not have done that. She said she did not enjoy having sex with that other guy. You have tried your best to be good to this woman, and during the premarital counselling sessions, the counsellor told her that sex was not nasty and that it was ordained by God.

I am going to suggest that both of you try to find a sex therapist. But if your wife will not cooperate, you should seriously consider ending the relationship with her. I wish I didn't have to say that to you, but it would be better for you to divorce her than to play around with other women.

Pastor