I closed shop on dead-beat dad

Dear Pastor,

I have been reading your column since I was a teenager and I have always enjoyed it. I also wonder how you can come up with the right answers to give to those who write to you.

I have two children. The father of my first child and I were in college together. Getting pregnant by him was a mistake. We went out to a party and had too much to drink. I got pregnant in his uncle's car. So it was a one-night stand. He had his girlfriend. I promised him that I would not tell anybody how it happened, but he has been a good father to his daughter. He got married to his girlfriend and both of them are living in America. He told his wife about his daughter, but she did not leave him. He supports his daughter well.

I met the father of my second child at church. He said he was seeking a wife, but he has proven to be no good. When I realised that I had got pregnant, he asked me what I would like to do. I told him that I thought we would get married; he said that was not in his mind. So, I had my baby. He did not assist me in buying baby stuff. The man was so mean to me, but I pulled through with the help of my sisters. Whenever the child needs something and I ask him for it, he tells me that he needs something from me, too. If I don't agree to have sex with him, he does not give me anything. I told him he will never get into my pants again.

I HAVE TO BED HIM

We are sending the child to school and I have to put up 50 per cent of the fees and beg him to put the other 50. He says both of us are working and the child belongs to both of us, so it has to be 50-50. To buy books, it's 50-50; same with the uniform. Sometimes I can't wait on him because he takes so long to give me his portion. Sometimes I blame myself. I took too long to realise that this man would not have made me a good husband, because he does not respond to his responsibilities. He does not even take his child anywhere or buy her birthday or Christmas gifts. He said buying gifts for children is wasting money.

I met a man recently and he says that he loves me. But I am so nervous. I have not invited him to my house, although I promised him that I will do so. I am trying my best to be careful. I am a woman and I have my needs. I could take care of my sexual needs, and I know you understand what I mean.

My sister and her husband take the children out, and my sister's husband plays the fatherly role. Thanks for reading my letter.

O.E.

Dear O.E.,

I will not bother to respond to what you said about how you became pregnant with your first child. But it is rather unfortunate that this man you met in church has proven to be no good.

He is not a responsible man. But I must hasten to say that there are many men who do not believe that they should pay their child's school fee or do anything for that child unless the mother stands half the cost. I don't consider such men to be good men. Perhaps I am wrong.

A good man supports his child in full. He does not hold back. He does not insist that the child's mother should give half the cost of anything, because she may or may not be in a position to do so. Your child's father who insists that you should go to bed with him before he gives you money to support his child has no shame. But you should insist that he gives his part in everything, since that is what he wants to do.

Try your best to take your children out, and don't just rely on your brother-in-law and his wife. Be careful not to become depressed. Have fun with your children. They will grow up to learn that you have done your very best to help them.

Pastor