Fiancé thinks using condoms is a sin

Dear Pastor,

I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is 24; we would like to get married. I am in university and I do not want to become pregnant.

My fiance says that he does not want to use the condom after we are married. I don't have any problem with us using the condom, but he cannot get it into his head that it is a form of contraceptive. He considers that a sin. He said his father has always told him that it was wrong for a man to destroy his sperm.

We have had sex a number of times, but he withdraws when he feels that he is going to ejaculate. That is the only time in my life I have used expletives. I would like my fiance to ejaculate in me, but truly, we are not ready for a child. After I used the expletives, he slapped me and told me I should have respect for him. I told him I was sorry.

My fiance suggests that I should just make up my mind to get pregnant, but I don't want to because I am planning to do my master's degree and I do not want children to stand in my way. My parents went to university and my mother got pregnant twice while studying, and she told me how life was difficult for her. But my father assisted her in every way.

Could you give us some suggestions on how we can be happy and remain childless after we are married?

T.A.

Dear T.A.,

You seem not to understand why your fiance would consider doing something that is wrong. One may wonder how in these modern days, so to speak, people may think that way.

He has sexual intercourse with you and he withdraws when he's about to ejaculate. So my question is, by withdrawing, is he not then throwing away his seed? If it is not going inside of you, then it is being put outside. That doesn't seem to make much sense to me. I hope I am not being rude, but some women in counselling sessions have said they do not enjoy the withdrawal method, because the moment that a man is about to ejaculate is the sweetest part of sexual intercourse. I suppose you have experienced that. So that is what caused you to use expletives when your fiance did that to you.

It is said that no method is 100 per cent safe, but the withdrawal method is not advisable at all. Many women have become pregnant because their men have practised this method. Women need to know that fluid can seep from a man's penis just before ejaculation, and that may contain sperm. This semen may cause him to impregnate his woman although ejaculation was done outside the vagina.

Another reason why the withdrawal method should not be practised is that many men with good intentions, may find it very difficult to stop at the time of ejaculation. The withdrawal may also take away some of the pleasure of the act, and that is why you used expletives, because you felt like he was punishing you at that particular time. It may hinder you from reaching your orgasm. Twenty per cent of couples who practise the withdrawal method have become pregnant. This figure may even be higher.

It is time for your fiance and you to meet with a doctor and to discuss the form of contraceptive that you should use. Of course, the safest way is for the couple to practise abstinence, but if you are determined to have sex, a proper method should be used.

Many young couples have got married while attending university and have had children. Having children did not impede their relationship, because they learned to manage their time. So perhaps you may wish to reconsider the stand that you have taken.

Pastor