Afraid to tell my girlfriend about my criminal past

Dear Pastor,

I am 48 years old and I have been reading your column from before street light became popular. I have a problem. I am a Jamaican living in the United States of America (USA).

The problem I am having is my girlfriend recently ended our long-distance relationship of three years. We live in different states, and whenever it was possible, I flew her to see me.

Here is the issue: A couple years ago I got into trouble with the law and I was locked up, so I have been on probation for five years. I cannot leave the state where I am living. I know it was wrong not to tell her my situation from the first day we met, but my excuse was I wanted her to get to know me; the real me, and not what the law says about me.

I was drinking hard, I lost my mom, and my wife divorced me just when I needed her most. So I messed my life up. I went through therapy to find out what was happening and that part worked out well.

Now back to the girl. I was planning to marry her and I had all the intention of telling her everything. I really wasn't looking for a relationship when I met her; it just happened naturally. We were playing a game online for a couple of months. I had not put any questions to her, neither did I, at any time, asked her anything personal. All we did was to talk about the game. However, one day she just gave me her number in the chat and said I should call her. I was shocked!

She said there was something about me that she admired. So after a month of talking on the phone, I flew her over.

I am deeply in love with this woman, and she is madly in love with me as well. But the reason she checked out of the relationship is because she has been dealing with depression and stuff like that for a while. I did everything I was able to do to help her financially because I am not a mean person.

She went through therapy for depression. She told me how much she loved me, but she did not want us to go further in a relationship while she was going through her therapy. I explained my situation to her about my ex-wife who divorced me. I have told her I never wanted to hurt her, but it is my intention to tell her of the crime I committed. I really need some advice on what to do. I hope it would not be too late.

It is a very embarrassing crime so it is not easy to explain to her what happened. I don't have to say it out loud, but you are a very smart person so you can find it out.

Thank you for reading my letter, I await your response.

Initial Withheld

Dear writer

I have deleted some of the things that you have mentioned and you know why. If you and this woman became friends after communicating online, she must have developed some amount of love for you. She must have also found you to be very charming and a good communicator.

You felt that it was too soon to tell her about your problems, and in particular, why you were incarcerated. I think you made a big mistake. You should have told her. By telling her you would allow her to decide whether she wished to continue talking to you. Now she may wonder whether you were deceiving her by trying to hide your past from her.

I, therefore, suggest that you should not wait any longer. Explain to her now what crime you committed and allow her to decide whether or not she will continue to have you as her friend. You may have to tell her why you took so long to do so.

I will be praying for you, and I hope everything will go well, and that your friendship with this woman may grow stronger.

Pastor