My uncle tried to rape me

Dear Pastor,

I am 27 and living alone, but I have been dating different guys. I am of light complexion, and the man I like the most is of very dark complexion.

My mother doesn't like him because she is of light complexion. My father is dark-skinned and he has accepted this guy. But my mother thinks we may have dark-skinned children, and Jamaica is still very prejudiced. My father cursed her for saying it. He said when he was dating her, he didn't think of her colour; he was only concerned about the type of wife she would make. Her parents didn't have any money to give to her, so he paid for everything.

As I said, I really love this guy. He has manners. We were going for a whole year before we had sex. He never forced me. I told him I was a virgin and I did not want to lose it. He told me I could keep my virginity as long as I wanted. So when I was planning for my 25th birthday, and I asked him about my gift, and he told me that he wanted me. We went to Montego Bay for a weekend and that is where it happened. Even though we had sex, I continued to date other guys, but I have not slept with any of them.

My father has two other children with two women. My mother says he was bad. I have a sister who is a medical doctor and a brother who is an engineer. My father supported them through university with the help of my father's brother. He put him through med school. But I am the only child for my mother. My mother continues to play the hypocrite. When my boyfriend comes to the house, she greets him well, but she grumbles about his blackness. He has told me that he does not think that my mother loves him. I told him that she loves him a lot.

I want to get married, but I have an issue. I don't trust lots of men. Even one of my mother's brothers attempted to rape me. I told my mother and she didn't believe me, but I couldn't tell my father because I was afraid he would have chopped him up. Whenever he comes to the house, I do not stay at home. I still cannot look at him, and he cannot look at me for long. I told him recently that I didn't trust him and I still hate him. He has told me many times that he is sorry for what he did. But I cannot forgive him, because if I did not sink my teeth into his arms, he would have raped me. I have never told my fiancee because I promised my mother that that would remain a family secret.

Do you think I should let my boyfriend know that my uncle attempted to rape me?

Anonymous

Dear Writer,

Although you said that you have been dating a number of men, it is quite evident to me that you have settled on one. This guy has played his cards very well.

He is an intelligent young man; he did not force you into having sex with him. He has wooed you, and treated you with respect. Your boyfriend has been accepted by your father because he is of dark complexion, and he is annoyed by what you mother said. Your father had to remind your mother that although she was light-skinned, her relatives couldn't help her, but he put her through school. What your father is trying to say is that she should be very careful about what she says about your boyfriend. What is important is your boyfriend's character.

Look at the type of man you have to call your uncle. He tried to rape you, and if you did not fight back he would have succeeded. To this day, you have kept quiet because your mother begged you to keep it as a family secret. Many years have rolled by, but the incident is still on your mind. You have never said anything to your fiance, and you are wondering whether you should. If you feel that divulging what happened will help the relationship between your fiance and you, you may go ahead and tell him. But if you believe that it will bring a further strain on the family, say nothing.

You are planning to get married, so perhaps the matter could be raised during premarital counselling. You may ask your counsellor for his suggestion. But if you intend to tell your boyfriend about the incident, you should tell your mother, because you had promised her that you would not say anything about it.

Pastor