Afraid to commit fully to my new guy

Dear Pastor,

I was dating a man for two years. He dropped me and started going with one of my friends and it hurts because I used to discuss him with my friend.

She was always telling me what I should do. This girl and I are both 24. We were friends from high school. One day, she told me that my boyfriend invited her out and she turned him down. I was surprised, so I asked him and he said I was not around, so he invited her for a drink. He said he had no intention of going further. I accepted what he said, but I observed that he was not calling me as often. He had encouraged me to move out from my parents' home, but I did not take his advice because I have two older brothers and they went to live with their women. I wanted to stay with my parents.

My father is strong, but my mother is not very well. I told my boyfriend that I would move after we were married. This other girl lives alone and whenever he was with her, he did not answer his phone. One day I decided to check if he was really at her house. So, without calling her, I drove by her apartment and I saw his car. I drove away. It was about 10 p.m. I wrote a note and kept it in my purse and when he came to see me I handed it to him. I told him that our relationship was over. I called the young lady and told her that she could have him and treat him right. I could not eat for a while and I lost weight. But your column helped me. He has also got this girl pregnant. He has tried to talk to me recently, but I refuse to talk to him.

I am dating a male friend. He is 10 years older than I am, but he treats me well. He knows how to treat a woman. When I met him and he told me that he loved me, I told him not to lie, promise anything, or bring more stress on me. I am a soft type of person. I don't curse.

This older man lives with his son. He invited me to his place and I met his son who has been very respectful. His son has started to call me auntie. He is 15 and attending high school. I have never slept at the house. These days the man has been asking when we are going to go to bed and whether I love him enough to get married because he would like to have another child. I am scared. I would like to get married, but I don't want to be used by any man.

How can I overcome my nervousness? My mother told me that if this man really loves me, he will wait. I believe my mother, but how long will he wait?

Please advise me what to do.

E.L.

Dear E.L.,

One thing I know for sure is that sex will not make this man continue to have a relationship with you. Many girls believe that having sex with a man will keep him.

They think that they are very good at having sex, but they find out later that sex does not hold a man. So it is a big mistake for a girl to rush into bed with a man.

A prostitute once told a woman who called in to my show that "If I get your husband in bed once, you will never get him back". Your mother is quite correct, if this man loves you, he will wait.

Insist that you and this man make an appointment to see a counsellor. You should remember that some men are very clever and deceptive. When they want to get under a woman's skirt, they will shed tears, but those tears mean nothing. I once counselled a young woman who told me that she was not ready to have sex, but her boyfriend came to her house one night and he reminded her that she had promised to have sex with him after graduation. So she didn't have any excuse. She said he cried and cried and she felt so sorry for him. She foolishly allowed him to have his way with her. The following day when she saw him and she mentioned what he did to her, he said: "Do you think I didn't know what I was doing?"

So I say to you now, be careful about what you do. Your past experience should cause you to be very cautious, but do not fear this man if you believe that he is genuine.

Pastor