Not sure if I’m ready for marriage

Dear Pastor,

I enjoy reading your column. It was my mother who introduced it to me when I was in my teens. She bought THE WEEKEND STAR every week and she used to lie in her bed and read it. When she saw anything that she thought was funny, she laughed. When you started your radio programme, she listened every night.

At age 15, my mother talked to me about everything. She was my best friend. She broke up with my father because he used to abuse her, and he had other women. But my mother got a job and moved out of his house and took me with her. My father threatened her and I decided to defend her, so he backed off. Now that I am an adult, he has tried to befriend me. I don't hate him, but I will not rush to help him. My mother is now married to a good man. He has encouraged me and helped me financially. He put my mother to live in a home he bought with his sister. The sister said she is not coming back to Jamaica, so he can pay her for her share of the house, and my stepfather agreed.

I have a girlfriend. She is much older than I am and she is not black. I met her at the university I attend in the US. She is from a wealthy family. She has helped me a lot. Her parents have accepted me. They have allowed me to come and stay with her at their house. Her father told me that I can work with him after I graduate. He and his wife invited my mother and stepfather to visit later this year. My girlfriend is suggesting that we get married while they are in America. My stepfather is encouraging me to do so, but my mother is not sure. She keeps asking me how this girl chose me over all the other guys. My girlfriend told me that she has had boyfriends, but I was the first man who did not pressure her for sex. My mother used to tell me when I was in my teens that sex is not what makes a man. She said that when my father demanded sex she used to yield, and all she got was abuse.

FOUND A GOOD WOMAN

I have learnt to cook and my girlfriend loves my cooking. Last Thanksgiving I cooked oxtail, while her family barbecued chicken and ribs. I think I have found a good woman. I am still working on a bachelor's degree, but she is working on her masters and will graduate soon. Jamaica will always be my home, but if we get married I may have to settle in America.

I had a girlfriend in Jamaica and I told her about this new girl. She cried and said that if that is what I wanted I should go ahead, but she will always love me. I still love her; and I cannot say I love this girl in America more. I am not rushing into marriage, so please give me your advice.

K.B.

Dear K.B.,

I am glad that you love your mother and that you stood up to your father. Your mother is a wise lady. She came to the place where she decided that if she wanted to be happy she had to leave your father. After leaving your father, she found a good man who has helped her and you.

I am sure that it has not been easy for you financially, but you were able to become a student at a US university. Now you are in a relationship with a woman there. She loves you and her parents also love you, and have even allowed you to stay at their house. The love seems to be very strong, because her father has offered you a job. Your girlfriend is talking about marriage. But I should caution you, a person has to be very cautious when entering into an interracial marriage. One should bear in mind the cultural background of each other, and the social-class level.

This woman is more educated than you. You are doing undergrad studies and she is working on her masters. She will be a great help to you I am sure, so bear that in mind. Then you would have to consider this woman's religion. Also, be sure that both of you are compatible. Age sometimes can play a big role in marriage. What I am trying to say is, make sure that you both go through counselling and talk about all these things. Your Jamaican girlfriend knows that she has lost you, and whether you marry this girl in America or not, she will always consider you a part of her life.

Please don't ignore what I said. Be wise and follow your mother's advice.

Pastor